Seek First To Understand
Today I realized the power of this idea for the first time. I mean I have read this maxim in many books over the years and it has been presented in many ways. I guess you have to be ready to receive certain understanding. The latest to give me this information is Stephen Covey. As I am reading his 7 Habits classic right now. I started reading the book this summer, but I had to stop reading it due to my classes at Pepperdine. One of my projects for my leadership class is to report on the 8th habit. So, I decided to go back and finish the classic before dealing with the contemporary.
I have been in a new position for the past several months. It has been pressure packed. I have observed a behavior in my manager that is not very pleasant. During the course of conversation with her she came became quite terse and rude. I have not been able to put my finger on the source of this venom. Here lately I have been bombarded with the idea of empathic listening. Over the past month, I have heard it from Covey in 7 and 8th habits. I heard it in my recent instructional expertise course at Prepmasters (http://www.prepmasters.com), and again in my face-to-face meeting with myh doctoral cadre at Pepperdine.
My colleague and I have been discussing the rudeness of our manager. My usual way of dealing is to respond in kind. I have been operating this way for years and it has not been very successful. My co-worker, on the other hand, would always, do what I would call make excuses for this woman. My co-worker would say, you know she is very busy, and well she has too much on her plate. My reaction was whatever. I don't care if she is choking on her placte, I will not be spoken to in this manner. I am simply being honest.
But I am starting to understand this principle now. I arrived at work today. Five minutes later I was in the midst of this rude behavior. I decided ok today I respond. But for some reason, when the attitude started I remained silent. Another co-worked entered, and I recognized that the rudeness was not reserved for me. He received a healthy does. He handled it quite well I might add. During my silence, I began to hear the fear and sadness in the woman's voice. I actually begin to understand that she was upset and worried about things not going well and that is why she was so stressed.
It has nothing to do with me. I have always taken these situations personally. As I continued to listen to her, I softened from my defensive posture and just allowed her to get out what she needed to get. She did and she went about her merry way. But as she left, and I discovered my new found understanding of the situation, I became excited about the possibilties of how I will handle future communications with her. I certainly will not take what she says personally, and I feel empowered because I now understand where she is coming from. Additionally, I understand that she is entitled to her feelings.
I understand.
Until Next Time,
Kai Dupé
I have been in a new position for the past several months. It has been pressure packed. I have observed a behavior in my manager that is not very pleasant. During the course of conversation with her she came became quite terse and rude. I have not been able to put my finger on the source of this venom. Here lately I have been bombarded with the idea of empathic listening. Over the past month, I have heard it from Covey in 7 and 8th habits. I heard it in my recent instructional expertise course at Prepmasters (http://www.prepmasters.com), and again in my face-to-face meeting with myh doctoral cadre at Pepperdine.
My colleague and I have been discussing the rudeness of our manager. My usual way of dealing is to respond in kind. I have been operating this way for years and it has not been very successful. My co-worker, on the other hand, would always, do what I would call make excuses for this woman. My co-worker would say, you know she is very busy, and well she has too much on her plate. My reaction was whatever. I don't care if she is choking on her placte, I will not be spoken to in this manner. I am simply being honest.
But I am starting to understand this principle now. I arrived at work today. Five minutes later I was in the midst of this rude behavior. I decided ok today I respond. But for some reason, when the attitude started I remained silent. Another co-worked entered, and I recognized that the rudeness was not reserved for me. He received a healthy does. He handled it quite well I might add. During my silence, I began to hear the fear and sadness in the woman's voice. I actually begin to understand that she was upset and worried about things not going well and that is why she was so stressed.
It has nothing to do with me. I have always taken these situations personally. As I continued to listen to her, I softened from my defensive posture and just allowed her to get out what she needed to get. She did and she went about her merry way. But as she left, and I discovered my new found understanding of the situation, I became excited about the possibilties of how I will handle future communications with her. I certainly will not take what she says personally, and I feel empowered because I now understand where she is coming from. Additionally, I understand that she is entitled to her feelings.
I understand.
Until Next Time,
Kai Dupé
posted by Kai Ajala Dupé | 8:03 PM
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